Monday, March 14, 2011

All Quiet on the home front

I haven't heard from my birth mother for almost twelve months now.  Well, when I say I haven't heard from her I mean in the sense of correspondence or via telephone.  Is it unusual? Possibly? Does it really bother me? Maybe? I'm not really sure.  My birthday and Christmas saw a card and gifts arrive but not with the usual, 'Letter to follow,' message, and obviously no letter has arrived.
I have to say the card and gifts thing is becoming slightly awkward.  Yes, it's nice to recieve gifts, but when you recieve numerous gifts and money enclosed within the card, I think that is bordering on over-kill.
Sound ungracous?  Don't mean to.  I just truly don't believe gifts and money are a substitute for what happened 45 years ago.  I don't even know if that is the reason why she feels the need to send so many things to me.  In return, no, I don't send birthday cards or gifts to her; actually I don't even know when her birthday is - or that could be a lie, because if I took the time to look over the adoption order papers I am sure I would find her date of birth there somewhere.
What I do is send a gift at Christmas.  Why?  Because it is the only time I feel I can repay her for all the gifts and money she sends me I guess.  It's not because I don't like sending gifts, I do, and quite cleary this is something we both obviously share in common, the fact we love sending gifts to those we know and love.
So there it is, "Love."  I have to ask myself how does she know she loves me?  Yes she gave birth to me, but how does that define love - she doesn't know me, I am in the true sense a stranger as she is to me.  I only know what I do about her from what she has told me, and she only knows about me from what I have told her.  Do I only tell her the nice things, things I  believe she wants to hear?  Definately.  So is that the same from her?  There is alot about me I am sure she wouldn't want to learn about me.  So yes, we are strangers when we cannot make our own judgement of character on one another, othe than based on what we are told.
I want to write to her, tell her I do appreciate the gifts etc. she sends, but I also want to tell her enough is enough.  I don't need gifts and money, I would rather if she wants to maintain contact we do it on a level playing field, one we don't have to give or take on, instead just allow one another the pleasure of letting each other know what is going on within our lives on occassions.  That's not to much to ask is it?

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